Tag Archives: your mother loved you so much she gave you away

Effecting Langauge

In a post over on adoptedintheuk.co.uk I (again) raised the point of how important the language is that we use around adoption. In the post, it was to happily demonstrate how some organisations are listening to what’s being said by adult adoptees.

In this post, it’s trying to work out why we’re saying things seemingly so at odds with the other, while simultaneously all expressing similar reactions to the side-thread momwifelawyer @ threw in the meleé.

Much as the Establishment don’t like it, we’ve GOT TO do something major about changing the language around adoption is used if we’re ever going to stand a chance of taking some of the socialisation pressures off adoptees.

It’s why I’m so glad Nicky Campbell favourited my tweet pointing him at the thread linked on Adopted in the UK. It means we’re slowly starting to make a difference. And if we can get Nicky C. on side, I see no reason why we can’t start getting Sir Martin Narey to understand a bit more too.


[Themes] What people really think about: ~ BMOMS

People Say the Darndest Things: What Some People **Really** Think About Women Who Place a Child For Adoption
~~ by Melynda @ Letters to Ms. Feverfew

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Themes Index


[Reblog] Legacy of an Adopted Child

by Searching for Umma
on 13 Jan 2013

I wrote a little about this on my tumblr already, but I can’t get it out of my mind.

Your mother loved you so much, she gave you up. Two different kinds of love: the kind of love that sends you away, and the kind of love that saves you. This is exactly the kind of language that needs to be eradicated once and for all when dealing with adoptees. What does this say to us? Your mother loved you, yet she could rid her life of you permanently. What kind of love is that? And what does that teach us about love? That it’s conditional. That we’re disposable, even when we’re loved. That the kind of love she had for you is different than the kind of love your adoptive mother has for you, because she chose not to provide for you the way your adoptive mother does. What’s more, God was the one who separated you from your first mother, by answering the prayers of your adoptive mother.

Horrible. I hope this poem dies or has already died. The problem is, even if the poem didn’t exist, the mentality would still be there amongst a lot of APs. It’s such a harmful message, but one that I was told over and over growing up, and that I know a lot of other adoptees were, as well. If our first mothers loved us, how could they get rid of us? And if our adoptive parents love us, what’s to stop them from getting rid of us, too? Thus begins the adoptees’ struggles to either continuously please our APs in order to keep from being given up or sent away (in any sense of the word), or to push them away to see how much they’ll put up with before ridding their lives of us, much in the same way our first mothers did.

Read the rest over at Searching for Umma